So I use “fat” in a tongue-in-cheek way. But I definitely spent the last few weeks watching what I ate, which meant no crazy banquet dinners, dinners of scrambled egg whites and vegetables, and the occasional helping of cheese dip, heaped high with guilt.

As a result, my stomach became a cast iron tank. My collarbone and ribcage took greater prominence. When I lay down, I marveled at how my skin stretched over my gently jutting hipbones. It felt like a lesson in skeletal anatomy.

So on my first day back on Planet Girl, I felt totally free to go on a carb-and-calorie rampage. I was going to eat EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I could possibly ever want to eat. I was going to ignore stomach pains. I was going to consume whatever was put in front of me, especially high in simple starches, sugar, and fats. I was going to try to undo whatever I had done to myself.

The night before, I’d made good work of a ginger-and-scallion lobster dish, a beef/pepper/pineapple stirfry, and a salt and pepper fried squid at Peach Farm in Chinatown. The verdict: the cooking was a bit rushed, and the quality suffered as a result. My dad commented on how slapdash the dishes seemed to be put together, although the beef stirfry was meltingly tender and delicious. Then I topped it off with a half a red bean bun as I stalked around on my 5 inch clear heels, bronzer still caked on my stomach, legs, and arms.

I went to bed with a horrible stomach ache.

I woke up in the morning and ate a bowl of cereal with milk, pistachio muffin, and orange. I was just getting warmed up. For lunch I had a tray of salmon maki from the Greenhouse Cafe. It was horrible – the rice was gummy and hard, the fillings nearly flavorless – but I downed it all anyway. During section, my TF brought in a bag of chocolate squares. I had two – dark and caramel.

Afterwards, I headed to the North End to return my wonderful stylist’s hair straightener, then went on a “best of” spree, informed by the folks at Chowhound.

First there was a chocolate chip cannoli at Modern Pastry...

Then tiramisu at Caffe Vittoria. Tasty, but nothing transcendental.

My favorite!!! An incredible slice of Pizza at Express - incredibly gooey, salty, cheesy, with the perfect cheese-sauce-crust ratio. The only downside - they refused to serve me free water. WTF.

Then I had a carnitas burrito with guacamole from Qdoba.

I don’t even normally eat burritos when not on a diet. But I felt like it was a nice finishing touch.

I had a horrible stomach ache again after all of this. I’m working on this fat thing. It’s hard, though.

Related posts:

1. Mmm, crickets.
2. Some reflections on pageantry
3. Kickass Cupcakes: A Happy Hour

Which is why I need to know if you know where to get testicles. Not frozen ones from the supermarket. Because I can’t really cook, and I’d like to give testicular-induced culinary joy its best shot.

So pray tell, gentle readers: what restaurant in Boston serves balls?

Related posts:

1. $1 Sliders Night at Match Martinis and Burgers

their beady eyes were watching me

Carbs carbs carbs

better than a dollar menu.

Vegetarian beef: it's what's for dinner.

Spiny crabs?!!

Related posts:

1. Gourmet Dumpling House in Boston’s Chinatown
2. The Genius in the Kitchen: Behind the Scenes of Fine Dining at Crabtree’s Kittle House
3. Behind the scenes at Miss New York USA, Day 2