Offbeat
Weird Eats: Bull penis and live scorpions. Also, Starbucks coffee.
My sojourn to Beijing was marked mostly by my daily (nay, twice daily) visits to the altar of that is holy in the Middle Kingdom: Starbucks, charmingly translated/transliterated as “星巴克” (xing ba ke). There, I soothed my cultureshock embattled soul with endless tall iced coffees; occasionally, I’d spring for a muffin or biscotti, which tasted excruciatingly American. It was like imbibing a potent concoction of NASCAR, Elvis, Old Glory, and apple pie.
When I wasn’t ensconced in Starbucks, I’d be wandering the streets, trying to find a nice, small eat. As I made my way down Beijing’s Wangfujin shopping street, I found their “xiao chi jie,” or snack street.
I knew they sold weird crap on sticks, but I had no idea that the scorpions on those skewers are actually alive. Best of all, the sellers would occasionally give the counter a slap, just so the little critters would wriggle their sad, doomed little legs. Can’t you hear their anguished cries? Neither can I.
Just to prove they’re alive, I uploaded a video.
I actually didn’t eat this, since I got a case of sticker shock. 20 kuai! For a kebab!! Of scorpions!!!
But I did what comes next: bull penis on a stick. I’ve totally emasculated that poor animal, brains, balls, and all.
Mmm. Uhhh. This is unpleasant. My male friend also gave it a try.
What does it taste like? Not very good. But it also wasn’t prepared very well – it had gotten very gummy and had an unpleasantly gluey texture. The texture varied from the shaft, which was wider and had a harder, almost cartilage-like core, to the tip, which was just gooey nothing.
I don’t think i want to repeat the experience anytime soon, but maybe I can blame it on poor preparation.
To cap it off, here are some photos from the Forbidden City, predictably overrun by tourists, including this overzealous Chinese woman covered by not only a parasol, but also a towel and sunglasses (not pictured).
Look how intense that is!!!
Lingbo eats bull balls: THE VIDEO.
So in celebration of my homecoming to the magical, wonderful country that is the United States of America (sing it, sister!), I post this video. I edited it while sitting next to a smelly, discontented woman on a 12 hour flight.
This flight also involved me being convinced I had boarded the wrong plane, since I got on and woke up in Shanghai rather than Los Angeles. Oh no, I cried, then went in panic to the flight attendant (who was tall, pale, slender, and pretty, like all Chinese flight attendants are). I got on the wrong plane! I’m in the wrong city!!!
Turns out I just had to transfer twice in my quest to make it back to the east coast of America.
Anyway, I’m delighted to be home… i’m delighted to find clean bathrooms, and English-speaking staff, and politeness to strangers, and TWITTER, and FACEBOOK, and oh my god… You have no idea how great it is to be home. How great it is to know the names of things, and be able to communicate with people, and yes, feel a little skinnier in comparison.
This is my first video that I have ever edited beginning to end, so be kind… the musical selection is the Arctic Monkeys’ “Mardy Baum,” in case you are interested.
So here’s my video of when I ate balls with my BFF Marianna at KO Prime in Boston. This was back in May/June or so, but didn’t get around to editing it until now. Enjoy! Expect more stuff like this to come.
Many thanks
Balls!
I got an email from my waiter at KO Prime which began, “hey! the eagle as landed.” I have only tomorrow night to eat the dish that I suggested (artfully prepared bull testicles), and I’d love, nay, require some adventurous company. Harvard and Bostonian friends, let me know if you’re up for it: lingboli [at] fas.harvard.edu
Your tentacles do not impress me
Look at how cute it is!
I don’t understand why guys who try to impress me with strange they’ve eaten will often say they’ve tried squid/calamari. That is a little like saying they’ve had bone in chicken for the first time.
Just because it has tentacles, honey, doesn’t make you an adventurous eater.
(Also, don’t ever google image “tentacles.” I warned you. Don’t do it!)