Not a real chef

If you told me 1.5 years ago that I would be all into the food scene, I would have laughed. In the short time period since then, I have merely noshed on the tip of the food industry iceberg, but I’ve been an eager student of its inner workings.

For those of you on this list looking for a self-mocking chuckle, or outsiders looking to get an eerily accurate but rash overgeneralization, here you go.

Caveat: there’s plenty of crossover between categories – bloggers who write, writers who blog, editors who do freelance PR… you get the idea.

Don’t take this too seriously. But don’t be surprised if you do.

The Five People You Meet in the Food World

The Blogger

Some smartass who may or may not know what they’re talking about, but waves their power around anyway. (Wink!) PR people will be just as nice to bloggers as OGFW’s. Might have a caffeine addiction. Likes to have debates about where to get authentic Chinese food and recent restaurant openings; pleased if they meet another blogger who agrees that a hot new joint is “totally overrated, and that escargot/hummus combo just didn’t work.” Tends to come in all stripes, colors, and ages, but probably has more Facebook friends and Twitter followers than you do. Has a better paying day job, like selling insurance, being a consultant, or working for a biotech firm. Wishes they got paid money for blogging, instead of just free food.

Best day: when Grubstreet and Serious Eats picked up on their “best  donut” roundup.

Worst day: outed by a famous chef for not knowing what a poblano chile was.

The Old-Guard Food Writer

Resentful of the Internet of dissolving their paychecks, but still keeps a blog and Twitter account to seem “with it” anyway. Will write long treatises on the importance of traditional, anonymous food writing. Has eaten in every restaurant in town, and is able to conjure up meals from long-deceased eateries to compare with the dish they’re eating now. Has definitive opinions on who has the best charcuterie; the role of Yelp and whether to trust the Zagat and Michelin guides; and why there just aren’t any good taco stands in town. Name drops former Gourmet editor Ruth Reichl on first name terms. “Oh, when Ruth and I last had dinner at Marea…” Follows the newspaper industry shakedown with masochistic interest.

Best day: getting the first freelance assignment for Gourmet.

Worst day: realizing that Gourmet got axed.

The PR Person

Frequently an attractive woman. Wields a thick Rolodex and knows how to use it. Partying is work and work is partying. Sends you press releases which you take seriously at first, until you realize that they are totally irrelevant to anything you might write about. Invites you to cool events where they try to get you to give them free publicity for random products that are possibly related to your field of expertise. Some of them seem more trustworthy than others. Is really nice to you, which makes you feel guilty if you don’t actually like what they’re selling. Chastises you when you accidentally omit something or say anything vaguely negative about a client, which is maddening. They will add you on Facebook and follow you on Twitter. It’s like a Big Brother is watching you, but has a few presents behind his back if you behave. C’est la vie.

Best day: getting a client placed on Top Chef Masters.

Worst day: client’s food poisoning/spouse abuse scandal that went national.

The Chef

Egotistical, possibly brilliant. Often will fall into the quiet, neurotic genius type or the larger-than-life personality who has a cooking show pilot in the works. A fixture at charity events, doesn’t do much actual cooking these days, and best friends primarily with other chefs. Workaholic. Not paid very much, unless they’ve franchised. Might pattern self after Bourdain, or worry that they have too much in common. Fondly recalls that time Ramsay/English/whoever threw a knife at their head. Never wakes up before noon. Arms covered in burns. Proud. Gets reliably angry upon hearing the phrase “well-done steak.”

Best day: being nominated for a James Beard award.

Worst day: every dinner rush when the kitchen is in the weeds.

The Editrix

Whipper of words and deadline-incompetent freelancers. Organized out of necessity. Invited to all the cool parties, which are beginning to get old. Still shows up anyway and posts photos on Facebook, which makes all their old high school classmates jealous that their lives aren’t as fabulous. Working on some pet project involving social media integration, Foursquare, and building a better Facebook fan page for their publication. Wishes their intern would quit spending so much time on Facebook. Stubbornly proud of managing a loss leader, while knowing that the real money is made in adult classified ads. Goes to seminars on search engine optimization and tries not to fall asleep. Friends with PR people before they were PR people, and were just starving journalists. Sees the “bigger picture”; knows which industry people are actually douches; may have an unusual affinity for ethnic fried chicken. Often has an Ivy League degree. On a related note, sometimes wonders what life would have been like if they’d been a lawyer.

Best day: closing out before midnight.

Worst day: having to explain “what this Twitter thing is” to the publisher.

Want to add another stereotype that I haven’t covered? Comment below!

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