Eggs Benedict with Hot Dogs. I’m not joking. (My photo, with a Canon Rebel XS + kit lens + PS)

I was cooking up breakfast one Saturday morning for my better half when the urge hit me. You know. The urge. That crazy little idea in your head.

Yeah, I thought. Yeah, I’m a cooking badass. I’m going to make EGGS BENEDICT.

You don’t understand how exciting this idea was. I had never successfully poached an egg, nor had I ever attempted a French sauce. This recipe also contained four simultaneous (sort of) components.

To my “lazy girl curry”-making self (instructions: chop up onion/garlic/ginger, fry and add curry paste + protein + veggies, dump in coconut milk, cook it ’til it tastes good) making eggs benedict seemed like nothing less than scaling a cooking Everest.

Ok. So a real cooking Everest for me would be doing something like brining and deep frying a Thanksgiving turkey, but regardless.

There was only one problem. No, two. No bacon. No lemon (for the Hollandaise).

Being like any other lazy human being, I didn’t want to put on clothes to run to the corner store. I preferred to let the oil splatter my bare skin, of course. (Don’t try this at home, and don’t try it in high heels.)

So I subbed in hot dogs from the freezer and figured out I might as well use up the chicken stock in a velouté sauce, a French sauce made by combining roux (flour and butter) with stock. It’s more often paired with poultry and seafood dishes, but hey, I was gonna try.

Click on the link to get my humorous (but totally serious!) recipe.

Trailer Trash Eggs Benedict

Serves 2 of questionable taste

Ingredients:
- Two English muffins, split
- Two hot dogs, halved and sliced lengthwise in 3-4 slices
- 1 tablespoon butter
- 1 tablespoon flour
- About 3/4 cup chicken stock, although you might want to add more
- Vinegar, for the poaching water (it’s been debated if this actually helps)
- Some oil. I used peanut.
- Kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste

1) I toasted the whole wheat English muffins lurking in the fridge.

2) Then I tackled the roux. After dropping in the last end bit of butter into the pan, melting it, and putting in a tablespoon of flour, I let it turn tan before slowly putting in the stock. It immediately turned semi-solid.

Cooking magic!

2) I tried to make the hot dog as bacon-y as possible by cutting them in half, then splitting them lengthwise into 3-4 slices. For some extra flavor and crispness, I sauteed them in some peanut oil on medium heat until they got some color, then set them aside.

3) After adding all the stock and whisking like the industrious, neurotic person I am, I let it keep warm by improvising with a rimmed bowl perched over a pot of simmering water, plus the occasional whisk.

4) Then it was onto the poached egg. This should be your last step. I’d never made this successfully before. Mark Bittman had me do this in a deep frying pan, which seemed to make it a lot less scary and easier to get the eggs out. You have to crack each egg in a shallow bowl, then slowly slide them into gently boiling water. After about two minutes, ladle them out in a slotted spoon. (I just used a flipper/spatula thingy with two slots in it. Ghetto.)

5) Assemble like so, bottom up: muffin slice, hot dogs, egg, sauce. I shaved some extra sharp cheddar over there for extra trashy flavor. Season liberally with kosher salt and pepper. Serve to confused but supportive better half.

TIPS

• Don’t worry about over toasting the English muffins. I tried to resuscitate somewhat dried out bread, a big mistake. The toppings are moist enough to hold up against crunchy carbs.

• Don’t feel like you should stick with my veloute. I actually would probably attempt a real Hollandaise next time. The veloute added a nice, velvety texture, but definitely needs some salt.

• Poaching eggs is actually not that hard. Just try not to show fear, slide the eggs in gently, and use something more spoon-shaped to retrieve them. Unlike me.

• Actually, ignore my tips. What do I know?

Related posts:

1. A love letter to poached eggs – brunch at Zaftig’s Delicatessen
2. How to read a recipe
3. How to make and eat biscotti
4. Asian Girl Cooking: The Great Pizza Update