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Like an evil wood nymph

jumping-shot-(1)

A few months ago, Boston photographer Tony Luong contacted me for a photography project on 1st generation Asian Americans. At the end of the shoot – which was a pretty standard portrait of me standing still in front of a tree – I decided I wanted to do some jumping shots for fun. Tony very kindly obliged. I really liked the results, which look oddly like some kind of lo-fi advertisement.

leap

flying

karate

There are also a lot of requisite awkward/random shots… where I do things like check my cell phone and run around like a fool.

cellphonefool

Opening Up

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

- John Lennon

Vipassana: My 10 Day Silent Meditation Retreat in Thailand

Meditation, like exercise, is one of those things that I’ve always meant to do but constantly put off.

Given my psychological profile – anxious, labile, growth-oriented – meditation has frequently been suggested as way to keep my mental shit in order. I first heard about Vipassana, a ten day silent meditation retreat, from fellow travelers when backpacking through Southeast Asia. People raved about it (“difficult but worth it”), plus it was donation only.

When my friend Rachel suggested island hopping in Thailand, I figured I’d combine it with a Vipassana afterwards. I have never meditated before. I would try, get distracted, and give up. So I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

But I’ve learned that’s ok. That’s how we all start. Naked and naive.

——

I picked a center in Kacanaburi, Thailand since it still had slots for women open. I arrived on a coach bus with dozens of other meditators. I sat next to a tall American guy who felt regret about never fulfilling his artistic ambitions. He was turning 40 during the retreat. His friend, Paul, had done a 20 day retreat. Apparently there were also 20, 45, and 60 day retreats. 10 days is just the introductory mini course.

(Everytime I do something perceived as “hardcore”, I mostly realize how there are so many more levels of hardcore that I haven’t yet reached. Run a marathon? There are ultra marathons. Ultramarathons in the desert. You haven’t even done an Ironman. Backpack for 4 months? Pshaw, that kiwi chick has been traveling for 5 years in politically unstable regions. This French dude has hitchhiked through Tasmania and couch surfed for 3 years straight. He asked random people in the train station to house him. There’s always someone more hardcore than you.)

We surrendered cellphones, computers, books, and any valuables on the first day. We weren’t allowed to talk, make gestures or eye contact, exercise, read, write, or listen to music. Men and women were separated. No touching – even non-sexual – between people of any gender was allowed. We each slept in (surprisingly nice) private rooms.

For 10 hours a day, we meditated. From 4:30, to 6:30am. From 8 to 11am. From 1 to 5pm. From 6 to 7pm. From 8:30 until 9pm. And then we slept.

Meditating 10 hours a day still left 4.5 hours of free time to fill. With no talking, reading, writing, or exercising, that left only cleaning my room, grooming, or walking within the course boundaries. After lunch, I’d walk in slow circles around the garden and pause to watch the traffic of harvest ants on electrical wires. I exfoliated my face until it shined. I took newfound pleasure in mundane tasks like washing my underwear and making the bed.

My mind desperately wanted to plan. I found it comforting to make decisions about changes to make back in Boston. Sublet out my apartment. Start X or Y project. Revamp my business. Email my friend Spencer. Change my flights and get home earlier.

The last one filled my mind for hours of meditation practice. I really missed my boyfriend, and a Vipassana gives you no outlet or distraction. Being inside my mind for all my waking hours, without outlet or distraction, felt like living inside an echo chamber.

——–

Goenka, the teacher whose voice we listened to on recordings, explained Vipassana as a scientific inquiry into the changing nature of our mind and body. The ultimate goal was be free of “mental defilements” – things like anger and jealousy that keep us from being happy. Rather than trying to suppress or distract oneself, you observe sensations in the body. Emotions, then, are reactions to pleasant and unpleasant bodily sensations. If we learn to be equanimous with those sensations, we can learn to recognize and observe the emotion (“Oh look! My heart is beating faster and my face feels warm.”) rather than letting it control us.

During Vipassana style meditation, you observe sensations from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, then in reverse. Whether pleasant or unpleasant, you maintain a detached, peaceful state, observing and remembering the transient nature of those sensations.

I meditated wrong for 6 days. You’re not supposed to visualize anything, but I kept imagining a particularly intense itch on my upper lip as Sebastien from The Little Mermaid doing a jig. It kept me amused through very long hours.

——–

I had the most vivid dreams.

In one dream, I was having lunch with a client. He was eating french onion soup.

Try a bite, he said. The continuity slipped, and I swallowed a spoonful of seafood.

Several dreams were seemed to be about travel logistics anxiety. I was trying to book flights on AirAsia to imaginary airports in China, or reading imaginary subway maps of imaginary cities. I kept backtracking or missing my stop.

One dream inexplicably combined interior decoration with killing off a horde of zombies. In that surreal dreamverse, I was floating 5 feet above a stream, pouring a jug of kerosene on a floating barge of the undead. I had just picked out an upholstered chair with my zombie-killing compatriot.

I have no idea what that one was about.

——–

2013-04-13 13.52.22

On day 6 of the silent meditation retreat, the shower in my cottage emitted nothing but a hissing gurgle. At lunch, there was a polite, handwritten sign on the table that read, “Due to severe water crisis, please shower 1 time a day.”

I had been showering 3 times a day. I brushed my teeth 4 times a day. There was nothing else to do.

My immediate instinct was to fill up my water bottle in the dining hall.

“No water?” I asked one the Dhamma volunteers. (You are allowed functional speaking with the workers, and to ask the teacher questions twice a day.)

She laughed and said, no water. But they had 20 bottles of drinking in the back.

Big jugs?

No, small bottles. For 70 of us.

We’re going to die! I joked. It was the first time I’d made a joke or laughed out loud, however quietly, in a week. She assured me that someone would go to town and buying drinking water if we ran out.

When I tried to brush my teeth after lunch, only air came out of my tap. I could hear my neighbor make out with some wheezier gurgles. That night, I gave myself a sponge bath with a wadded-up t-shirt, bucket of cold water, and a water bottle.

Finally, on the afternoon of Day 9, a rumble of thunder broke through. By break time, a few drops of rain started to fall. I hurried back to the meditation hall with an umbrella. Then the sky broke open. Fruit was flung from the trees. The shutters screeched and a glass window shingle shattered. We all stared with silent wonder outside, sitting on our meditation mats. I imagined all the windows blowing out and spewing broken glass inwards.

Some students went to close the windows. The teacher, a monk, sat cross-legged and serene as ever.

Then Goenka’s voice began chanting on the sound system. “Start again,” he intoned, drawing out the “again” with dramatic flair. “Start again.”

With my eyes closed, I heard the brush clink of glass swept and screws sorted. The rain had stopped. I began sweeping my body for sensations. Remember the law of nature – anicca, Goenka was saying. Impermanence.

This too shall pass.

——-

Day 2, 4, and 6 were hell. I entertained the idea of leaving. The days felt sweaty, claustrophobic, interminable. I was sitting in rooms without air conditioning, in the middle of Thailand’s hot season, while trying to focus exclusively on nostril sensations for 10 hours a day. Scintillating.

I spent meditation time guessing how much it would cost to change my return flight. I imagined different surprise-arrival-in-Boston scenarios, which felt a lot more pleasant than trying not to scratch the itch on my foot while observing the subtle, prickly sensations on my upper arms. Meditation seemed so pointless, and some of Goenka’s videotaped talks seemed more like trite secondhand testimonials than actual advice.

Something changed on day 7. The videotaped talk that night was about mastering the mind. This spoke me a lot more than his talks about morality, about how Vipassana wasn’t a religion, or assorted Buddha parables. This was why I was here: to be master of my own mind.

There were only two more days left until I got my phone back, and I suddenly felt urgency to make the most of my time left.

I noticed myself making progress: I no longer beat myself up about not being the perfect meditator. When I noticed my attention wandering, I gently redirected it back to my bodily sensations without name calling or disappointment. Sometimes, if meditation felt impossible, I gave myself tiny goals to accomplish: just two passthroughs of the body. Ok, now five. Good job!

I began to come out of hour-long meditation sessions feeling incredibly… good. Very calm. Appreciative of little things around me. I spent a half-hour of one break time staring at a leaf, admiring how beautiful it was. It wasn’t like there was anything else to do, anyway.

I even let myself feel good about overcoming the negative self-talk hurdle.

——-

The hard part of Vipassana isn’t the silence part. Silence makes perfect sense. It is trying to focus your attention for 10 hours a day. It is the loneliness of your mind, and dealing with all the neuroses and shit that float to the surface when you are isolated from civilization for two weeks.

For me, I kept thinking about random ways that I had let people down. It didn’t how tiny and insignificant the incident was, or if it had happened 5 years ago with a person who probably didn’t remember my name. I’d be meditating, and the thought would pop up, uninvited. It felt like psychological whack-a-mole.

I finally went in to see the teacher on day 7. He spoke through an interpreter.

When I meditate, anxieties and mistakes I’ve made keep coming up. Should I ignore them, or try to reason them out? I asked.

Just focus on your sensation. This is happening for everybody, he said.

After this course, when these thoughts come up, should I still only focus on the sensation? There are some that I can’t do anything about, and some that I can – like if I’ve forgotten something.

The monk smiled. I can’t tell you what to do. Only you know what to do. You can’t plan for the future. Just focus on the present and doing your Vipassana. Focus on your sensations.

You know, I liked that answer. It appealed to my autonomy.

——-

I have terrible eczema. It’s a chronic skin condition that results in dry, itchy patches. During the retreat, it shrank into nothingness. I marveled at how smooth my arms and legs looked.

Within literally hours of leaving the retreat, I noticed itchy areas reappearing on my arms. I’d never seen clearer evidence that it was psychosomatic.

——-

For 10 days, I counted down the hours to getting my phone back. On day 9, I thought, wow, I really needed these entire 10 days. Every single day.

We got our belongings back on the morning of day 10. By that time, I dreaded it.

Within the hour, I was a mess. I realized I had forgotten to file my taxes for the year. I was over my international data plan limit. The United Airlines website wasn’t letting me change my flight. I lay on my bed, fumbling with my phone and sweating in the heat. I waited for the “I missed you, too.” When I finally got it, I cried a few tears of relief, mingled with disappointment for wanting it.

I felt very, very far away from Nirvana.

I switched on the fan and lay down, hearing the chatter of voices outside. I heard Goenka’s voice in my mind: focus on respiration… focus on sensation…

And so I did.

——-

A week and a half later, I’m writing from Chiang Mai, a city in northern Thailand popular with expats.

Turned out, changing my 3-leg journey home would have cost nearly $900, so I ended up staying. My time in Chiang Mai has been mixed. The city itself is lovely, but the people I was visiting seemed less than thrilled that I was in town. While rationally, I know they’re inconsequential, that snubbing unearthed an old wound.

My old mental habit would be to yell at myself for feeling upset at all. “This is dumb! You shouldn’t feel upset! You’re too good for this! Go hang out with those other cool people!”

Trouble is, that thinking didn’t get me anywhere. It just makes me meta-upset that I’m still upset. Instead, in the spirit of Vipassana, I’ve been trying to confront my disappointment and observe it, rather than suppressing it. It’s natural to feel a bit upset. It’s ok. This too shall pass.

One of the hardest things to learn is empathy for yourself. It’s something I do for others all the time, but rarely do I turn it inwards.

So I’ll add my testimonial: difficult, but worth it. Really difficult, but definitely worth it. It’s hard to perceive your mental patterns. It’s harder to change them. This is one way.

——

To learn more, go to http://dhamma.org.

How Not to Get Screwed (How to Freelance and Travel the World: Part 3)

freelancer-hierarchy-of-needs

Welcome to part 3 of How to Freelance and Travel the World!

So you’ve self-actualized. You understand what you’re getting into. You’ve priced yourself. You’ve found clients.

And you thought you did all the hard stuff.

Well, actually. The hardest part of freelancing – harder than any of that other stuff – is client management.

Client management is roughly: 1) Making sure a client is happy balanced with 2) Not getting screwed.

Like in any healthy relationship, you have to set up expectations and boundaries. Let me explain.

 

step6

Don’t Get Screwed.

Look, I’ve gotten screwed. It isn’t fun. It’s important to separate out two undesirable situations:

  1. The expectations weren’t clear, so you are working too much / the client is constantly unsatisfied.
  2. The client is a total, unreasonable asshole and should be fired.

It may be some combination of both. But in any case, you can’t control the second, so focus on situation #1.

My worst client story happened very early on. It was my second month in business, and working with a friend, pitched a local company on redesigning their website. The red flags started immediately: their last designer was apparently inadequate (“too templated”) and they wanted us to put put together a proposal with a mockup of their homepage, doing a half hour pitch, then another proposal against another company. (If it’s a reputable client with a huge budget, this might make sense, but this was a simple business website.) I put in some late nights while still taking college classes and got the gig.

Then the client called to haggle me down on the price listed in the proposal, line by line. I put together wireframes, which they okayed, then moved into mockups after reviewing several websites they liked.

Then started the infuriating Skype calls where the client would express disappointment, say my work was inadequate, and make suggestions like, “Maybe we could make the navigation green and wavy, with a gradient underneath,” and want to see comps with all of their ridiculous ideas implemented. When it inevitably looked terrible, the whole process would start again.

There were a series of phone calls where they’d say that I wasn’t being proactive enough, or not technically capable enough, or whatever. I tried starting from scratch. They still weren’t happy. In the project proposal, I had written they were allowed 3 rounds of revisions for the mockups (a good practice, and something you should spec out), which I started to cite as the revisions became endless. But when I attempted to actually hold to that, they accused me of being unreasonable.

I wish, dear reader, that I fired them then. But the sad tale slogged out for a few more fruitless weeks, during which I was utterly miserable, compounded by senior spring and a failing personal relationship. I’m happy to say I’ve never had an experience quite as horrible again, but there are a few things you can do to ensure this doesn’t happen to you.

  1. Write a clear statement of work, that outlines exactly what features or pages you’ll build and what is and isn’t included. Write down how many revisions they’re allowed, and how much they will be charged if they exceed the scope. You can also have a legal contract (see tools), but honestly, for small, short projects you’ll just scare people off unnecessarily – just make expectations clear and have them sign off on it.
  2. Get money upfront. See the 3 Rules of money in the previous post. DO NOT continue working if the client is being difficult about the deposit check. I’ll do some initial work, but if they continue being difficult, stop working and chase them down.
  3. For larger projects: break up projects into stages and make sure clients sign off at each stage before proceeding to the next.
  4. Write down your workflow so they know how to work with you. (Ex. A call, then wireframes, then mockups, etc.)
  5. Recognize when a client is being unreasonable, and try to figure out what they’re angry about – sometimes they just want more attention, or better communication. If that keeps failing, cite the work agreement. If that fails, balance the likelihood of project completion with the negative effect on mental health. A job is a job, and you should do your best to make a client happy – but if it just ain’t working out, maybe it’s time to breakup and learn from the experience.

step7

Freelancing has the odd effect of dumping piles of cash into your hands before Uncle Sam has taken his chunk. Do not be fooled.

My personal formula, imperfectly applied, is to live on 50% of your income, leaving roughly 30% for taxes and 20% for savings. But really, just spend as little as possible. De-shackle yourself from stupid crap that fills up your closet, kitchen appliances you’ll never use, and chairs that don’t get sat in. Hold off on a potential purchase until you find yourself thinking, “Man, I could really use a ___ right now.” (For me: tea kettle, microplane, mirror, black boots)

I’m not a monk. I live alone in a nice part of Boston; I buy designer makeup; I eat out frequently. But all the crap I bought in the few months after I started making real money I regret – the dress I only wore once, the jewelry sitting in a bin somewhere. I don’t regret, however, the money I’ve spent on travel and visiting friends, and am grateful that I have a job where I can take 4 day weekends or work remotely for a month.

I will refrain from giving further tax or financial advice here, but read up on the basics. (Here’s one basic thing know: you’ll fill out a w-9 form for clients, who will then send you a 1099 form before tax time with how much they’ve paid you that year.) Build up an emergency fund with 3-6 months of living expenses. (I’d recommend six.) Track your expenses with Mint.com (also a good way to track your variable income!). You can also tag business expenses in there. I use Harvest for invoicing, tracking who’s paid me, and also time tracking. You can do the same thing with Google Docs and spreadsheets, but I like that it saves me time.

Finally, it’s ok if you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. Everyone begins at this point. We all start off not having walked before. At some point, we get scared that we’re about to do something new. Imagine a little kid complaining, “I’ve never walked before! I tried once and I fell! Fuck this walking stuff, I’ll be in my stroller.” It’d be ridiculous. Try to view your fear in this way

Realize that even the most successful people still have moments of fear and self-doubt. Try it: ask someone you look up to if they still get scared. I promise you, unless they’re a total sociopath or liar, they will say yes.

Your fear is not a sign of your inadequacy. It’s part of being human. It will always be there, no matter how much money you make or title you have. Being scared is healthy – it’s to prevent you from doing stupid things like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Just don’t let it prevent you from the good.

Why Freelancing is like Polyamorous Dating (How to Freelance: Part 2)

freelancer-hierarchy-of-needs

Yesterday, we covered steps 1-4 of how to freelance. Today, we’re getting to a post dedicated to Step 5: Clients. Seriously, go read part 1 first if you haven’t yet. I’ll probably combine these into a single blog post at some point, but yeah, go read that first.

step5

CLIENTS: Like Dating, But Easier (since there’s contracts) Client management is like a polyamorous dating relationship: sure, you can have several partners, but you still gotta pick them well.

Would you enter into a 6 month relationship with any person off the street who offered? I sincerely hope not. You’d want to know the person was sane. Pleasant to be around. Able to support themselves. Emotionally stable. Communicative. All good things to have.

Clients are real, live people. They are not robots that write you checks. (If they were robots, they would probably pay you a lot faster.) They come with their own quirks, expectations, and personalities. Some are incredible people that you want to be best friends with. Some have unrealistic expectations and turn to verbal abuse when they’re not happy. So, pick well.

But what should you look for? The baseline:

the-perfect-client2

The Perfect Client…

  1. Knows what they want.
  2. Has money to pay you.
  3. Isn’t a dick.

In order to have a happy working relationship, you need at least 2 of the 3.

I can deal with someone who doesn’t know what they want, as long as they can pay me and are a nice person. I can do work for a bit less, as long the project is straightforward and the client is nice. And I can work with a more difficult personality, as long as they know what they want and can pay.

So before we even get into how to find a client, remember that this is a service business. You are dealing with people, not products. Yes, you have to be competent, but making a client happy, fairly or unfairly, is the real gauge of success here.

1) Knows what they want.

Do they say things like, “We fired the last designer because they just couldn’t get it exactly how we wanted it”? Do they make you write 20 million proposals and string you along? Do they constantly ask for more free work and ideas before getting started? Do they actually know what “minimum viable product” means?

2) Has money to pay you.

Do they preface everything with, “I have a budget of $200″? When you tell them your hourly, do they try to buy a half hour? Do they promise to pay you later? Is the check always “in the mail”? Do they hassle you endlessly on tiny details, trying to get you to go down in price? Do they try to pitch unpaid work as being “good for the exposure and your portfolio”? (Sorry, that only works in media.) Are they about to go out of business? Did their last developer/designer quit for unknown reasons (probably because they never paid them)?

3) Not a dick.

Well, I hope you can figure this one out for yourself. But a few specific things: do they respect your professional opinion? Are they condescending? For designers: are they constantly complaining that it needs something “extra” without being able to voice what that is? (They’re allowed to do this once or twice, but if it’s constant, good luck.)

So, here’s my advice: have a phone call or Skype chat. See if what they say raises the red flags above. If they do, proceed with caution or don’t proceed at all.

If you’re thinking of embarking on a large, long-term project with a client, test the waters first. Make sure they pay a deposit. Try working on a smaller piece of the project together (that they agree to pay for), to get a sense of their working style.

It’s a relationship. You want to build a good one.

WHERE TO FIND CLIENTS

Clients can literally be anyone. I’m currently making a website for an author that I met 2 years ago at a random party. Another is a referral from a college friend. Another is a referral from an old client. I work 2 days a week at an agency, which an existing client put me in touch with.

I started off in college. I started telling friends I was a web designer, and would attend startup events and introduce myself as a freelance designer. That’s how I got my first few projects, which then spawned referrals, etc. It wasn’t extraordinarily systematic, but it worked. It helps state what you confidently, as a statement: “I am a freelance designer.” Do not say, “I wish I were a freelance designer.” Or, “I’m trying to be a freelance designer.” You are. Be.

You can find clients online as well, but the lowest hanging fruit will be personal connections. Avoid sites like Elance or 99designs. You’re competing against people willing to work for peanuts. In the case of 99designs, you’re doing work on spec (not guaranteed payment). That violates Rule #1 of the 3 Rules for money. Skip the headache, unless you just want to practice. For developer jobs, I asked my freelance developer/startup founder friend Ian for advice:

i got initial gigs because i’d been building my own product so i had something cool out in the world to point to. i think this is the single best way to get clients. have something that you – not you and a giant team of people, you – conceived of and built. when people see it (provided it looks good and works) they’ll want to hire you.

at the beginning of every month someone will make a  SEEKING FREELANCER / SEEKING WORK post on hacker news. look for these and add a brief comment with your background and skill set. if you write clearly and concisely and hit the buzz words people will seek you out. I get anywhere from 3 to 10 leads from each of these. most are gigs i don’t end up taking, but the ones i have taken have been great clients. i would avoid any general freelancing sites (like elance) because the clients there will be pretty low quality. you work at a pretty high visibility startup so you shouldn’t have a problem. other than using hacker news, let some people in your tech network know that you’re available. people are constantly being asked “know any good developers?” – so, you can become an answer to that question.

So let’s recap:

  1. Let your friends, family, coworkers, and random people you run into know what you do for a living.
  2. State what you do confidently. It’s extremely helpful to have something online you can point to. (You don’t even need a portfolio at this point, honestly. I didn’t have one for 3 months when I started, during which I signed up 5 clients.)
  3. Do some self-promotion in online communities, only when relevant. Make sure your work is visible online, and don’t be shy about putting it out in front of others. Link to your portfolio or projects on social networks, including Facebook and Twitter.

It doesn’t sound so hard. And really, it isn’t – things like client management and pricing were bigger sources of angst than finding clients. Finally, here’s my final insight: good-bad

A boring project with a good client beats an interesting project with a bad client. A bad client – one who refuses to pay you, insults you, haggles you on price endlessly, and doesn’t respect your professional opinion – makes your job not worth doing. A bad client fails to meet at least 2 of the “perfect client” attributes. Don’t take these jobs, no matter how cool they sound. You will be miserable, and worse, you might not even get paid.

Next up: Step 6, Don’t Get Screwed.

Oh hey! I'm Lingbo.

I've eaten cow brains, bull penis, and Icelandic fermented shark. Otoro, campari caviar, and meltingly tender pork belly. McDonald's Big Macs, Bertucci's rolls, and Starbucks coffee. Grrr.

Lingbo Li

I'm a recent Harvard grad and freelance web designer/developer who's traveling and eating her way around the world.

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